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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  May 11, 2016 1:34am-2:08am PDT

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"if everyone has aids, then no one has aids." that's some deep twisdom. i think that's safe to try. has anyone done that? really? get the fuck out of here. twisdom. good luck to the class of 2014. and try not to suck like the class of 2013. good night, and congratulations to the audience member of the week. [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> may 10, 2016. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york this is "the daily show with trevor noah." [cheers and applause]
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>> trevor: welcome to the daily show. i'm trevor noah. my guest from the hit show "scandal" joe morton is here. so excited but let's get to our top story. the public bathroom. the place you only go if you have to like prison or an a cappella concert. recently the chambers of secrets became the flashpoint for america's soul and after north carolina passed a law to require transgender people to use the bathroom that they're born with not identify with last week the state quickly found itself in deep, deep, [bleep]. >> the department of justice said north carolina's controversial new law that limits protections for lgbt people violates the civil rights
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act. >> if it carries out the law it could lose roughly $2 billion in federal funds for public schools and universities. >> trevor: they're not [bleep] serious? you're willing to give up $2 billion over bathrooms? there is no one i would not let use a bathroom for $2 billion. in fact, i would be your bathroom for $2 billion -- no, wait, that came out wrong. that came out wrong. what i'm saying is i would literally let you [bleep] on me for $2 billion. how is this still a fight? apparently that's just me because yesterday north didn't react the same way. >> the department of justice gave the state of north carolina to monday to throw out the law. instead north carolina sued the d.o.j. accusing them of overreaching. >> trevor: north carolina, at what point do you admit you are taking this too far because you
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realize you've already been sharing the bathroom for transpeople your entire lives and never noticed it and why would you? it's a public bathroom. you're supposed to go in and get out as fast as you can. if you can i.d. anyone else who is in the bathroom with you you are paying too much attention. i don't care who -- elvis could be on the urinal next to me and i wouldn't notice because i'm looking straight ahead at the wall. he could be gyrating like one for the money two for the show. i wouldn't notice. if you don't like trans people for whenever reason it's got down the list of problems pee everywhere is a bigger problem. why isn't it going where it's supposed to go and how come the automatic toilet always flushes before i'm done. you're a toilet. you don't have everywhere to be. it's not like you have captain america tickets.
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relax. there's so many other problems. the federal government gave north carolina an ultimatum and the governor mccrory is it's something to do with something they're not accounting for. >> they had three days to respond to the threat. this unrealistic deadline by the federal government is amazing to the ninth largest state. >> trevor: why do you keep saying ninth largest state like it's supposed to impress us? i don't think the size of your state is relevant here but even if it was, ninth largest? it doesn't sound that impressive. like if you're tells you you're the ninth largest guy it's not a complement. and the way governor mccory says
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ninth largest state it sounds like a catchphrase which apparently is the. >> the nine, largest state. the ninth largest state in america. the ninth largest state. we're number nine. >> trevor: somewhere the governor of the tenth largest state is like, damn you, mccory. quick rubbing it in. we're doing our best and takes out a golden number nine and is like, some day. i know which way i think this issue should go but i also get why this is an issue. as progressive as you'd like to be you have to acknowledge it must be difficult. the idea of transgender must be confusing. some people are just getting comfortable with ellen and now we're telling the same people,
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by the way, there are men who used to be women and vice versa or they may be in between and are part of society too and i can see how it may seem a lot to handle but the law exploits the fear and goes beyond bathrooms because it says gay and transgender people cannot be protected as a class which means it's okay to discriminate against them in employment, housing and every other situation. like just yesterday the justice department responded to north carolina's lawsuit by saying you want to go to court, well, i'll see you in court. >> today, we are filing a federal civil rights lawsuit against the state of north carolina. this action is about a great deal more than bathrooms. this is about the dignity and respect that we accord our fellow citizens and the laws we as the people and country have enacted to protect them. indeed to protect all of us. and it's about the founding
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ideals if that have led the country haltingly but in e inexorably. >> it's about ideals though i'd be surprised if america's founders saw this debate coming. >> we should probably put something in here about who's allowed to use which bathroom. >> or we could have sex with slaves. >> i like that idea. >> trevor: for more we turn to our senior legal affairs correspondent. so adam, in your legal opinion, what's the next move for north carolina? >> well, governor mccrory filed
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the suit yesterday and they may come up against the title 9 issues. >> trevor: in simpler terms? >> north carolina's scared of transgender pee-pee and poo-poo. i think they can negotiate skillfully. here's three simple tips. first, think big. north carolina don't just sue the government. swing for the fences, say guess what, [bleep] we're keeping all your money and if you're transgender in our state you're not allowed top pee at all and field mice get to vote. >> trevor: field mice? >> okay, i'll give you the field mice. see, we're negotiating.
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next step is about leverage and in north carolina it's not in your favor. >> if the state continues to enforce the law it could theoretically lose federal education funds. >> that could be at risk for the state. >> north carolina seems like you're losing this one but what the fed don't know is you're already ranked 47th in the nation when it comes to teacher pay so you could give a [bleep] about education. when north carolina students bring their teaches an apple, that's their dinner. so let them cult the money and you drop to 50th and next season you get a first-round draft pick. >> trevor: that's not how teachers work. >> i already gave you the field mice. i think i'm being more than fair. and don't be afraid to use your god given right to go on tv and freak people out. >> what about the civil rights women who don't want men in their bathrooms.
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>> keep our state straight. >> what we're doing with this type of policy is endangering young girls and women of all ages. i look at the history books and see the history books are filled with people who faced challenges for taking stands. martin luther king jr., gandhi, jesus christ and i think i'm in good company when it can comes to that. >> come on, man. you're way better than those guys. all those clothes preached love and tolerance. preaching hate is where the challenge is at. get him a statue or put his face on a cake. >> trevor: i don't see this working as a negotiation tactic. >> i'm glad you brought that up because you have to know you may lose which brings us to tip three, prepare for the worse. if you're realistic you'll have nothing fear. in this situation the worse case
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is transgender people feel welcome in your state and you kept billions of federal dollars. nightmare, i know. so north carolina go in negotiations prepared to lose the game and money that's wha i call winning. >> trevor: how is that called winning. seems you know nothing about winning. >> it's not me. ever rule comes from a book called "the art of the deal." maybe you've heard of it. and i only have one rule, always consult donald trump on fighting on where to take a dump. >> trevor: i can't believe you went out and bought that book. >> didn't buy it. someone left it in a public bathroom. bathroom. >> trevor: we'll be right back. announcing pizza hut's new applewood smoked bacon
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[cheers and applause]
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>> trevor: welcome back. you know, it's hard to believe that just last week there were still three candidates left in the gop race or some people would call it "hope." you know things are bad because i thought worst-case scenario i'll go back to africa but no americans have an africa to go to. people come to my place because i have a couch and some blankets. you can fit you guys. you can come with me but still the election so far has been really tough and here to summit up in her new segment is our very own michelle wolfe. >> thank you so much for having me. though i look like a buy --
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bysexual on a quick date. i had a bad week like good news, you're not pregnant bad news is trump is going to be president. ted cruz dropped out and he would have been an awful president and now better we don't have to look at his face for four years and that man has a scientifically ugly face. like he's ugly but there's also something about it where you're like that's not what nature wanted. it's like god messed up when he made it like oh, no, i did this one wrong and went to throw it in the garbage but instead it hit the rim and got more dent and rolled away and then ran for president. the other good news is that john kasich dropped out of whatever race he was running.
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think it was a 5k in ohio. he got tired so -- yeah. and then the bad news, donald trump is all we have left and he's going to win because he does the opposite of what's going to happen. he's like the engine that could if the book was a horror movie. now we'll have an orange president. a president that looks like your fingers after you eat cheese curls and a president that looks like he gets advise from his hair, like muslims are bad. okay, let's do that today. i think there's only one real solution. one solution to all this is we go back to england and say we're very sorry. you were right. we weren't ready. we'll pay you for the tea. such a silly thing to throw a
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tantrum over. we'll pay for the tea. you can even beyonce us and make a lemonade and we will stand there and take it like jay-z. and just let us come home. like we were on a rumspringer. like when the amish leave to join the human world where people live with real haircuts. so you leave for a week or month i don't know how they tell time. i mean you leave for three jars of jam and when you're done you decide to stay in the real world or go back to the amish world which sounds easy because the real world has air-conditioning and porn and in amish world they teach you everything is the
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devil and then you see wife swap and you think they may be right. it's insane for america to think we'd be good at the country thing because when england and america were together we were like insync. we like to think we're justin timberlake but we're joey. we're fat and happy but can't do it on our own. so england, what i'm saying is, we're in a jam and we want to come home. and based on the trump supporters, i'm going to say there's going to be a lot of people pretty excited to call cigarettes fags. >> trevor: michelle wolfe,
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[cheers and applause] >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest is rowan pope from "scandal" and turn me loose, please welcome, joe morton. >> i'm such a fan. >> trevor: thank you for being here. >> my pleasure. you said there's no logic to bigotry and i think that's generally true no matter the racism. there is none. >> trevor: you go i hate a thing i need no logic.
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>> i was a kid some kids in high school burned a cross in front of someone's home and they put the kids on the news and said why did you do that do you hate black people they said no, we just don't like them. logic, there is none. >> trevor: thank you for being here. your character in scandal almost works completely in logic. he's one of the scariest people -- it's rare to find a character like that. it's just the look in your eyes. do you ever use that in life to get things done? like are you at the dm have looking into someone's eyes? >> if i go out and it's the dmv they'll say, oh, gee i thought i'd be afraid of you but i'm not. >> trevor: joe morton has had an illustrious career.
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you're currently off-broadway playing dick gregory. one of my idols and the greatest comedians that ever lived. was that a person of significance in your life? >> i think so because i was aware of his comedy and activism and the behemian diet he came up with several years in his career. when you start reading what this man did and essentially here's a man who went from making $17 a week as a kid coming up in the world and ended up making $17 million a year and then decided he was going to become part "the movement" and gave it up and became a 7/24 activist and that's all he does. he still does comedy but it's all -- all the money goes to the movement because it's part of his life. >> trevor: as someone who has been through so many periods not just in america but in american acting, it's fascinating what is
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your position on diversity in hollywood? you're on a show not just run by a black woman but the lead is a black woman and this is a show that is really at the forefront. do you feel personally there's enough to change or what can be done to make it a better environment? >> saveras far as my statement u get close to the wall but never reach progress. with scandal, and all her shows it's all about diversity and trying to present a world that we recognize out in the world. i think with movies it's a different kind of thing. movies are still dealing with a star like stable though the stables don't exist anymore but that's how it happens so if you do a movie with a star you'll do the casting parts around that
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character. the problem is for black and brown people in this country there's a ton of materials we can talk about other than slavery and integration and things that have to do with civil rights of the '60s there's other stories we can tell. for us like don cheadle who is not doing a movie on miles davis, that's the thing that makes me happy. >> trevor: celebrating stories and characters that go beyond the flights of suffering. >> exactly. >> trevor: if you were papa pope in real life. >> i'd have a bodyguard there. >> trevor: if rowan pope who controls everything behind the scenes in washington, if he was seeing this election taking place right now how do you think he would react? >> to be honest i think he would do a lot of investigating in term of who donald trump actually is and then decide what
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needs to be done about that. >> trevor: i watch the show enough to know not to pry further. the season finale is may 12th on abc. abc. t-mobile does data differently. while the other guys gouge you for every bit of data you use... ...now, t-mobile lets you stream all the video and music that you want from your favorite services...
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nice to meet you! welcome, welcome! today i'm going to show you the all-new 2016 chevy cruze and ask you what you think. but here's the catch. you can only answer in emojis. what emoji would you use to describe the design? sfx:message sent i think it's sexy. mm-mm-mm! it has available built-in 4g lte wifi® sfx:message sent rock on. that's excellent. we got wifi. the cruze offers up to an epa estimated 42 mpg highway. sfx:message sent this car is like a unicorn.
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it's magical! (group laughing) >> trevor: thank you for tuning in. here's your moment of zen. >> while covering the governor's press conference yesterday in side the governor's mansion i asked to use the bathroom and they guided me to the only restroom available to th captioning sponsored by comedy central

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